Reviewing Jack Chick: Somebody Angry?

And, we’re back with the second installment of Reviewing Jack Chick, where I dissect Chick tracts in the style of Enter the Jabberwock’s writer, minus all of the obscenities.  Today, we’ll be taking a look at the Israel-themed tract Somebody Angry (there’s a question mark here, but for grammar’s sake, I won’t add it).  Let us begin!

Of all the names to call a weather center, Jack calls it weather central?  That is the weirdest generic name in human history, and since this is a Chick tract, we’ll be seeing a lot more of it.  And… oh my gosh, the National Weather Service now employs cheesy caricatures!  Just look at that woman’s face!

“I gotta go to the bathroom!”  Okay, I know Jack is trying his best to make this tract funny, but really?  FYI, you can make a comic funny without cliched road trip jokes!

Why does the weather reporter look so happy?  And for that matter, why is he holding an ear of corn?  As for the second panel: Aunty Em!  Aunty Em!  It’s a twister!

Oh, yeah, every tornado roars.  Raahr, I’m Tornadosaurus Rex!  Raahr!  It appears that the roaring noise is also being swept up into the twister.  Second panel: Wow, that is a huge gas lamp!

Yes, a Middle Eastern country has everything to do with a tornado about a million miles away!  There, my friends, is Jack’s  logic!

Okay, let me get this straight: the tornado, despite being within a hair’s distance of the farm, left everything untouched.  Why is this not so strange?

I would love to edit the second panel so that I could place a team of tiny mountain climbers trying to ascend that guy’s rocklike face.  Well, it’s either that or his mother was a bald eagle.  Eh, with the twisted backstories in tracts, it was probably the second one.  Though I don’t get that in the first panel, the man’s face has suddenly become much wider.

MY LAND!  IT’S MINE!  NOBODY TOUCH IT!  And just to make sure that nobody wanted it, God touched his finger to the Middle East and decimated it.  ‘Cause that’s what it looks like he’s doing.

Wait, so… God pummeled the Egyptians with giant flaming snowballs, and then sent a bold of lightning to zap a construction site?  Really?

OW!  I smacked my finger against the Ten Commandments!  Yowza!  As to the second panel: You want me to pick him up like this, boss?

Well, of course they won, because God is the answer to everything!  Incidentally, this puts down creation science in a millisecond, because if God can do anything, there’s no way to falsify creationism!

Wait… the second panel obviously shows Harry Potter in a concentration camp.  Why is that?  Well, according to Jack Chick, he promotes satanism, so why not pretend to kill him off?

I have been waiting so long to mock this one particular panel!  First up, let’s have a look at how horribly stereotypical that British newsman looks.  Then, his quote: “I say, what happened to jolly old England?”  I mean, it’s easy to picture him saying that, but I’ve watched enough BBC to know that most people in England neither talk nor sound like that.  Get it right, Chick!

Let’s go back to 1991, when storms ravaged a New England Cabela’s!  And yes, The Perfect Storm was caused by an angry God!  Sure, why not?

Um, why does George Bush’s nose look like a bird’s?  And why the huge ears, Jack?  Of course, the final hurrah of bad art is the Arab on the right’s unrealistically thick facial hair.

Okay, let me get this perfectly straight: every bad thing that ever happened to this country was caused by an angry God?  Yes, I notice a pattern-these were all natural occurrences that had absolutely nothing to do with Israel!  Yeesh.  You know, I think this is the reason why CSE only sells three Chick tracts.  The rest are just too weird.

Yes, everybody wants Jerusalem!  So get yours today, with this limited time offer not available in stores!  Oh, wait, billions?  How many billions, ’cause there are only six or seven billion people on Earth.

Yes, Charlie, that is all you need to do to be saved.  Y’know, except that you have to read the Bible every day, pray every night, go to church on a regular basis, and probably evangelize others as well.  Then you’ll get a lot of crowns in heaven and whatnot.

And by everlasting life, that verse means that accepting Jesus will give you immortality… after you die.  So, you would have left life, but then have had everlasting life.  Um… so, does that mean that you only spend a certain amount of time in Hell, then?  Or is there no difference between those two afterlife lifespans?

Bam!  God blasts Earth with giant heat ray!  Oh my gosh, a giant D&D Beholder is descending upon Earth!  Or is that a giant intestine/heart cyclops beast?

Aaand, we’re done!  Just a couple of pages all about getting saved.  So, what did we learn hear today, folks?  Well, besides the usual proselytization, we also discovered that Jack Chick thinks all bad things that ever happened to the world has to do with something we did to Israel!  This is, quite obviously, illogical.  I agree with Charlie: what if it had nothing to do with God?  Weather happens, unless you want to tell me that every single little drizzle is God’s vengeance!

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