Recently (actually, October 31st), me and the family were going to a Chinese restaurant. While waiting to be seated, I found-lo and behold-a piece of obviously Christian literature! No, it wasn’t a Chick tract, but just to celebrate finding my first piece of literature, I’m going to do a Chick dissection! Once again, inspirational credit goes to the Jabberwock, and art credit goes to Jack Chick. So, ladies and gentlemen, The Awful Truth!
What are we gonna do today, Mr. Deranged Sherman Super-Sized Nose Guy? And by the way, what’s with the question mark when there should be an exclamation point?
Wait… has the art style suddenly changed? That’s the thing with Chick tracts-the art style is awful. Either it’s a super-cartoony mess that insult Charles Schultz, or it’s so realistic that it’s wooden (like The Last Generation). Sometimes it’s in the middle there, which just makes it worse (like Somebody Angry?). Hey, it’s the cover of Scott Westerfield’s Peeps!
So, in the Garden of Eden, you could braid your hair with sound effects while picking corn? Will ANYTHING in this tract make sense? Stay tuned!
So, Adam was fired. That makes God Donald Trump, and Adam an unlucky loser on The Apprentice. Never thought of it that way.
CSE, in a recent blog post, said that even the tallest mountains were covered by water. Now here’s the problem: how much water would need to rain in order for Mount Everest to be covered? And since all water on earth disperses evenly, the water level would have to be the same everywhere. In other words, the rainfall for the flood to happen would be hundreds and thousands of times more than we see here. And that’s not including the implications of Satan heading a space program, like we see in panel two.
I always get confused with the whole Jesus-God thing. The Bible says that God created, but then we see here in this verse that Jesus created. I’ve never really gotten a solid answer on this.
That’s too easy. I refuse to believe it-buc buc buc-bacawk! Bacawk! Why is it that you can always find the most inhumanely hideous people in Chick tracts? I mean, first there was Bobby, and now this guy! Wow!
Hey, wait a sec… one of those guards is holding a spear gun! They didn’t have those in ancient times!
So, let me get this straight: the Roman emperors were servants of Satan? Man, Jack really has a bone to pick with almost everything in the world!
He came up with an idea-he would impersonate King Kong!
Another tract cliche I forgot to tell you guys about-unnecessary emphasis. I mean, why the sudden emphasis on the word replaced? Why, I sometimes wonder.
The surrounding images are supposed to be realistic (which they aren’t, I don’t mind telling you), but Mary and her kids (in the middle) look like badly done Barbie dolls. Man, the art style in these tracts just keep getting worse and worse!
I see that Mini-Me has found new work on the Council of Trent. That’s nice.
Agh! Enough with the false religion charade, Jack! I’m dying here! Eh, at least he isn’t connecting Nazism to evolution. Now there’s a lie.
Peace out, my son! And why are Jesus and Satan even talking together? Next thing you know, they’ll be Facebook friends.
Ahhh! …here she is? I’m finding Jack’s grammar more and more difficult to comprehend.
According to the second panel, after being poisoned, Pope John VIII’s head turned into a planetary system. And why does being murdered convey distrust here? The servants could have been disgruntled for any given reason!
Hey, it’s Doris the Ugly Stepsister, from Shrek! What’s she doing in a proselytization tract?
What are those guys doing, anyway? Building a Revolutionary War-era cannon?
Um… conspiracy theories, anyone?
It’s the final two panels of the tract proper! So, here comes Angelzilla!
This is your basic informative Chick tract: a bunch of stuff that supposedly disproves anything that challenges Christianity, and ending with your stereotypical salvation message. There’s a panel after this about getting saved, but I won’t show it because there’s nothing to riff. Thanks for your time!