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Perfect? Not.

I was recently watching some Creation Adventure Team videos when I realized something-there was no way that the Garden of Eden, even if it existed, could have been perfect?  Why?  Because it might not have been.  Confused?  Let me explain:

Creationists think that the Garden of Eden was perfect, until the Serpent tempted Eve with a fruit that would make her all-knowing.  Eve ate the fruit (which AiG thinks looks like a purple hand grenade, make of that what you will), and sin entered the world.  But here’s the thing: creationists also think that the Garden of Eden was absolutely perfect, with no death or sadness.  No death and sadness, sure, but perfection?  Simply not possible, for two reasons.

  1. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.  To me, running around in a forest naked is NOT perfection.  It’s a fever dream.  You could argue that the perfection was agreed upon by God, Adam, and Eve, but that doesn’t change the fact that perfection varies from person to person.  My idea of perfect is probably a lot different from yours.
  2. If the Bible is true, then God deliberately set up both the tree and the Serpent.  Ergo, he both set his creation up for failure (not a good God) and created an opportunity for imperfection.  The only way something could be absolutely perfect regardless of definition is if there was no opportunity for it to become imperfect.

Therefore, the Garden of Eden couldn’t have been perfect according to the description of the Bible.  By calling the Garden of Eden perfect, while saying that there was the chance of it being imperfect, creationists have completely contradicted themselves.

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Reviewing Jack Chick: Sin City

First of all, I apologize for my absence.  I know it’s been a while, but I’ll try to get more work into this blog.  In the meantime, Jack Chick is a racist nutjob!  Just wanted to remind you guys.  And for those of you who were mislead by the title, no, we are not in Las Vegas!  We are in that warped world of Jack Chick’s mind where all LGTB people look like gypsies and all Muslims are psychotic extremists!  So, without further ado, Sin City!

Page 2

Ah, yes, it’s a BEAUTIFUL day here in Sin City!  The Festival of Offensive Stereotypes is in full swing, and… what’s this?  A single guy standing in the middle of the street, holding a sign?  Why, it couldn’t POSSIBLY be a Christian who either gets someone to repent/gets persecuted for his beliefs/all of the above?  That would just be ABSURD!

Page 3

It’s only the second panel, and already I get to do some legal nitpicking.  Technically, protesting ISN’T a hate crime.  Now, if you threw bricks at the parade float or beat some people up, that would be a hate crime.  But protesting?  No.

Page 4

Um, no, he didn’t act in hatred against you.  He was merely expressing his beliefs, albeit in a disruptive and somewhat offensive way.  Maybe you could get him on disturbing the peace, but even that would be unlikely.

Page 5

Oh, great, Jack is trying to be poetic now.

Zanah is actually a pretty cool demon name.  It sounds like some sort of magic word!  When I wave my magic wand and say “Zanah!”, an annoying character will appear!

Page 6

Zanah!  It’s Uncle Bob, a recurring Hitler-like guy who for some reason can’t grasp the concept of people having their own opinions, and instead uses half-baked arguments that come FROM THE BIBLE instead of a scientifically verified, peer-reviewed source.

Again with the hate crime nonsense!  HE WAS A PROTESTER!  Nobody said Occupy was a hate crime, nobody said the civil rights movement or the women’s suffrage movement was a hate crime!  IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!

 Page 7

Um… the guy is near-paralyzed in a hospital bed.  You could probably say anything you like, provided the guy doesn’t scream “Nurse!  There’s a pudgy, annoying guy who’s probably going to repent in ten panels standing in my room!”

Page 8

Ray makes a good point.  Christians constantly say that God loves everyone.  So if that’s the case, A) why does everyone who doesn’t repent have to go to Hell, and B) why does Jack apparently NOT love everyone?  I mean, he’s downright racist a lot of times.

Page 9

Zanah!  Uncle Bob’s back!  And he apparently needs God to find Malcom’s room.  [Insert obvious GPS joke here]

Page 10

Wait… Malcom is apparently a minister or something.  Couldn’t he quote from the Bible and shoot Ray’s arguments down?  I wouldn’t buy it, but at least it would make sense, considering Malcom’s occupation.

Page 11

Okay, yes, technically Bob is right.  According to a random Bible website, Jude 1:7 does in fact say that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of the cities’ abundant homosexuality.  This does not, however, excuse God from being a bigoted extremist who just won’t let people be who they want to be.

Page 12

All right, God.  Here’s a little suggestion.  Next time you want an entire city to change their ways, do it yourself!  Instead of sending one person who people probably won’t believe was sent by God, go down yourself!  Or shout something from Heaven!  There are easier ways of doing things!

  Page 13

Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest thing in the Bible has just happened.  Two angels and four people just barely escaping the destruction of an entire city.  That is actually kind of epic.  But not in this tract!

Page 14

And the children, and the babies, and everything inside this city, anything that could be of any historical significance, were burned to a crisp!  But God loves you!

Page 15

*sigh*  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Uncle Bob is being rational for once.  The Rocky Horror dropouts DID in fact commit a hate crime.  But, again, that’s no excuse to be a bigoted extremist!  Very few people act like this in real lie!

Can anyone name any point in the Bible where Jesus talks about homosexuality?  Other than the whole Jesus/God thing?

Page 16

Um, apparently God is willing to banish millions of people to eternal torment.  That’s actually worse than wiping out a city.  If anything, God has done far worse.

Page 17

“I’ve had my own opinions!  I’ve been an individual, with my own personality and beliefs!  I’m going to Hell!”

Page 18

You need a savior TODAY, for only the cost of your dignity and individuality!  Call now and get a free hateful rant!

Page 19

Bob, do you have any evidence for Jesus rising from the dead other than “the Bible says so”?  I mean, all you’re saying is “No!”.  Just denying everything your opponent says without real proof is NOT a good way to win an argument!

Page 20

Again, proof?  You’re saying that all religions except Christianity are false.  Where is your evidence?  Don’t say that those religions are immoral, don’t use offensive stereotypes, don’t quote the Bible, just give me some evidence to support your claim that actually makes sense!

 Page 21

Yes, let us reason together.  What reasoning?  You just quoted the Bible and said because it’s the word of God (which you didn’t prove), that it’s true.  WHAT REASONING?!

Page 22

“It happened!  I just became another stupid character who, for no logical reason, just repented, and will probably lose most of my social life!”

And that’s Sin City, and… okay, it’s not the worst tract I’ve ever reviewed.  The first few panels about hate crimes and LGBT stereotypes are probably the worst parts of it, but other than that, it’s just stupid and cliched.  So, is it bad?  Yes.  Is it worse than The Last Generation?  No, not by a long shot.

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“True” Religons, Weasel Looks, Ironic Morals, and Continental Responses

Today in this multi-piece article, we’ll talk about AiG’s method of finding out which religions are true, Richard Dawkins’ computer program that disproves creationist probability arguments, and why Jack Chick’s constant plea to get saved could be working against Christianity’s moral high ground.  Plus, there’ll a response to a recent comment on the site.

Creationists seem to enjoy saying that Christianity is the only true religion, and most Chick tracts are about that specific topic.  But Answers in Genesis doesn’t talk about it very often, which is why this article published on their Kids Answers website proves their assumptions about religion.  It’s called, not modestly, How Do We Know Other Religions Aren’t True?  It answers a question sent in by a kid named James, from Ohio, and his question is, well, how do Christians know that other religions aren’t true?  According to AiG, only Christianity has a book that tells us about everything (i.e., origins of everything, sin, etc), nor does any other religion have a savior that is, according to them, alive.  But what comes next is just plain idiotic.  AiG goes on to say that if a religion A) doesn’t accept the Bible, B) doesn’t claim that Jesus is God, or C) doesn’t say that salvation is the way to Jesus, than it isn’t a true religion.  Wow.  I’m actually having some mixed emotions right now.  AiG is only saying that to rig the rules, so that only their religon can be counted as “true”.  In my opinion, it’s pretty dang stupid.

Okay, how many times have you heard from a creationist that there’s “no chance” of evolution happening, or that complex organic structures couldn’t have happened by chance.  It’s pretty easy to shoot down those arguments, but Richard Dawkins once wrote a computer program that selects strings of twenty-six characters that most resemble the Shakespeare line “Methinks it is like a weasel”.  And sure enough, after only 180 generations, we get that exact line.  This info comes from the awesome book Monkey Girl.  Some might say that the program requires an intelligent agency to work, but the point is this: you can get a line of Shakespeare in only 180 generations, which is barely anything in evolutionary time.  In other words, complex structures can come about quite easily.  Other computer programs have proved just that, shooting down creationist probability arguments in an instant.

You know, creationists (particurally Kent Hovind) constantly complain that evolution caused the Holocaust, and that it’s the roots of immorality.  It’s a typical and easy to refute argument, but why not go a step further, and show that for all their claims of morality, super-right-wing “cartoonist” Jack Chick is actually just betraying the Christian community.  Take a look at the last panel from one of Jack’s tracts, The Gunslinger.

Ironic Morals

Ignoring the eerily Ku Klux Klan-like image in the picture on the right, take a gander at the main message of the panel: going to heaven is not a matter of good or bad.  Here’s my question: if Hitler or Stalin got saved, would they go to heaven?  According to Jack, yes.  What this panel says is that a lifetime of genocide, murder, and other assorted crimes against humanity can all be solved just by getting saved.  In my opinion, that isn’t very moral.

To cap this article off, let’s look at this comment that I approved very recently:

“You cannot assume that the rate of continental drift was the same throughout the earth’s history. You are forgetting the global flood and how destructive that event would have been.”

This is by a guy named Joe, and it was from Dooding=Intelligent Illustrator 3, where I say that assuming continental drift was constant, it would be impossible for the earth to be 6000 years old.  Joe is technically right-I was making an assumption.  But really, you think that the global flood caused continental drift?  There are two problems with that:

  1. It would be impossible for a global flood to pry apart plates and move the continents in that amount of time!
  2. Underwater earthquakes cause by quickly moving continents=tsunamis, which wouldn’t be very good for Noah’s Ark.

That’s all for now!  By the way, I recently dug up the mother load of Chick tracts!  It’s like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and most of them haven’t even been dissected by the Jabberwock yet, so expect some more reviews soon!

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Reviewing Jack Chick: Here Comes The Judge!

It’s been a little while since we had a Chick dissection, so let’s take a gander at this story, which is about a judge who murders somebody… I think.  Or maybe the judge was corrupt.  I don’t know, since this tract has so many different characters.  There was a tract about a judge before, but this one is brand-new.  Which doesn’t make it better.  Some things never change, even though you desperately, desperately want it to.  DESPERATELY.

 Shouldn’t the honorable be capitalized when referring to a judge?  Then again, it’s hard to be honorable when you look like that.

Well, this is a very odd family.  The mother looks like an opera singer in a pantsuit, the older sister is just… weird.  The boy is normal-looking enough, but he dresses like a Jet.  And on top of all of that-oh, wait, somebody’s been murdered!

Somebody shrunk Excalibur and stabbed a guy with it.  And now the woman is going to become the queen of England.  Wait, why did the lamp fall down?

Wait… what was too dangerous?  Gathering evidence or watching your husband get murdered?  Or maybe it’s dangerous to be stared at by a guy who looks like he got plastic surgery from a spastic chimp.

Huff… huff… huff.  Lance is looking a lot like a gorilla in the Florida heat.  And apparently the judge is bedridden, for whatever reason.  And he looks like the world’s ugliest kiwi, so there.

Apparently, General Longnose Tinychin is in on the conspiracy, too, while Professor Glowing Evil Einstein looks on.  Meanwhile, Detective Mobster and his assistant, Detective Huffy arrest Kim Keefer.  Man, these are some ugly people!  And none of them have names, and all of them are in on this highly confusing plot to… what?  Cover up the murder of a detective?  What exactly is going on here?

 “Here comes the judge.”  Ah, so that’s where the title came from!

Wait… there’s no presentation of evidence?  No defense attorney?  This is more like a show trial than court.  Then again, Jack doesn’t seem to know much about the court system, given that he’s done multiple trials in past tracts.  That, and I don’t think you can get an extra ten years for insulting a judge.

World War II Anti-Japanese Propaganda Mascot, Attorney At Law.

So, let me get all of this straight: most of the state officials are in on a conspiracy to frame the murder victim’s wife, why?  Because he was a detective that found, what?  You see, this is why a twenty-page comic story just doesn’t work.

Okay, now I’m even more confused!  The governor has connections with a one-eyed contract killer, who he wants to kill both the judge and the reporter, who apparently has incriminating evidence of something that would obviously destroy the governor’s reputation… or so I think.  I’m not sure which has more confusing characters, The Last Generation, or this tract.

 William Howard Taft?  Is that you in front of the TV screen?

Twenty minutes?  This tract is twenty pages long, and it doesn’t take that long to read it!  It makes you wonder just how long Jack takes to crank out one of these things…

 Hate to nitpick, but how can you catch pneumonia in a hospital?  It’s not like they don’t sterilize the place, or keep each of the patients seperate from each other, right?  Then again, knowing Chick tracts, this is probably Catch Death Easy General.

It seems that the bandages have shrunk the judge’s nose some.  Which is good, because you could probably poke an eye out with that thing.

Okay, here we are at the typical evangelical message that takes place in all Chick tracts.  This stuff is gorier than the other panels, except in the kiddie cartoon tracts, i.e. Here, Kitty, Kitty, but it’s still evidence that the Bible isn’t exactly kid-friendly.

Oh, no!  The judge is burning in his bed!  At least, that’s what it looks like from here.  When will Jack’s art ever make sense?  NEVER, that’s when.

Yup, famines, plagues, and war.  That’s a loving, good God, right there.

So, did he accept Jesus?  He wrote “You’re Fired”, but he didn’t check one of the boxes.  Is this rejection by default?  WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME, JACK?!

Yes, of course, because everybody knows that if you dress like a doctor, you can get into any hospital, even if you have an eyepatch and a beard that screams mercenary.

Yeesh, disturbing much?  Nobody noticed the fact that he died 23 minutes after a dude with an eyepatch injected him with poison?  I mean, this hospital has security cameras, right?

That face is unbelievable PRICELESS.

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In Case You Missed It…

In case you don’t follow me on Twitter (my name is MandHF), you probably didn’t see my commentary on the Christian Rapture-themed movie Left Behind.  And if you are on Twitter, just look up #leftbehindriff.  Basically, I watched the movie while tweeting witty stuff about it.  Besides being a heck of a lot of fun to do, it also got my mom a mention by the original Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000.  So, there’s an upside to being blasphemous.

In other news, I just challenged a classmate to a creation/evolution debate-and she accepted!  Now, sometime next week, I’m going to go head-to-head with her in science class.  My goal today is to finish off my PowerPoint presentation, called The Science of Evolution.  My opponent has no idea what she’s gotten herself into…

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Reviewing Jack Chick: It’s The Law

We haven’t had a Chick dissection in a while, so let’s take a gander at the tract It’s The Law, which is specifically about the Ten Commandments.  Of course, that won’t make the tract any better, but let’s hope we get a lucky break and this tract will be only B-grade, not Z-grade.  Well, a kid can dream.

Oh, come on, not another “teacher as the atheist villain” tract!  I expect a little variety, Jack!  And the dinosaur posters in the background don’t help.

Nnnh…. nnnh…  Apparently, that boy has constipation or something.  And where did he get the phone from?  Isn’t he at school?

“Hello!  I am the generic Hitler-like guy who shoots down the arguments of smart people with my weak and pointless counter-arguments.  But for this tract’s purposes I merely evangelize!”  At least, that’s what I can interpret from looking at the first panel.

Yes, you’re in trouble, all right!  You’re in a Chick tract!  “WHAT?!”

 “The most proven book in ancient history.”  Yes, proven by scholars who misrepresent opposing theories and never manage to come up with a valid argument.  Proven by those guys.

Fear of what?

Pharaoh: Hmph!  I don’t have a table to rest my head on, so I’ll just use my hand.

It looks like Pharaoh put a statue of the Pink Panther in his palace.

 Let’s get ready to rum-ble!  It looks like Moses is putting the pain on the Egyptian Slave-Hurter, but how?  Seriously, how?  I mean, he’s pressing his finger against the guy’s temple.

It looks like God buried Egypt in a flood of… what is that?  Straw?  Pixie sticks?

For once, Jack actually got something right!  The ancient Egyptians had a ton of gods!  About a thousand or two, in fact.  True story.

Oh, yeah, ten plagues, and nobody thought to write it down.  Dear Diary: Nothing much happened today, except that the entire Nile River turned to blood.  So, yeah, nothing much.  I wish something interesting would happen to me.

Those are surprisingly accurate deptictions of Egyptian gods, Jack.  All you need now is to get rid of your tracts and quit misrepresenting evolution and I’ll have an iota of respect for you.

 Nope, they had no idea what would happen if you walk on a path surrounded by walls of water.  There’s no chance that they would, I don’t know, even consider the idea that the walls would fall and that they would drown?

I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in the second panel.  Is Moses running from an exploding pencil while a baby dinosaur is attacking him or something?

What about people who had never heard of Christianity?  Like, people living in places where even missionaries won’t go?  They might have other religons, but not because they were deliberately ignoring Christianity.

Okay, she took a paperclip from her classroom.  It was her classroom, and most likely her paperclip.  Staring into Uncle Bob’s strange eyes will not convince me that he’s being logical here.

 Nope, good works won’t do it.  You could find a cure to cancer and save a city from a volcano and that wouldn’t get you into heaven.  But yeah, she’s in deep trouble.  She’s a Chick tract character, after all.

 What worlds?  I mean, people living several thousand years ago would barely know a thing about astronomy beyond what they saw in the night sky, so how would they know about other planets?  I mean, Jack makes it sound like there’s Earth, but also Discworld, Middle Earth, etc.  See what I mean?

Side view of a man’s face-yet again!  Is this like a trend or something, like Fang?

 It looks like they bound Jesus to a car dealership inflatable man or something.

And, here we are again, with the unsaved person repenting, and yadda-yadda, saved!  She’s a teacher, you know-she should know how to counter this stuff!

 Final panel, guys!  It’s amazing that we survived this, considering we had A) the usual educational villain, B) a long, annoying explanation of three seperate Bible stores, and C) the cliched repenting sequence that gets wimpier every time.

Okay, we’re done, so let’s review!  Main characters: Christian kid, Christian dad, most likely atheist teacher.  Plot: there wasn’t any.  It was just the usual Chick tract yackum that ended with somebody getting saved.  I’ve found that there are three types of Chick tract.  Type one just explains the Bible, normally the story of Jesus, sometimes with an additional supplementary tale.  Type two tells a story with actual characters.  It doesn’t really have a plot, though.  The third is what we see here.  This type combines the aforementioned two.  Well, that’s all for now!  Next time, we go for a far more recent tract!

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It’s A Double Whammy!

Recently, I was reading Jerry Coyne’s totally awesome book Why Evolution Is True, when I noticed a picture that really got me thinking “Wow, this is both evidence against Noah’s Flood, and evidence for evolution!”  While this isn’t the exact picture, I’m pretty sure it’s the same specimen: a creature called Mei long, from Cretaceous China.

Mei long

It doesn’t look like much, I know, but it seriously is both anti-Flood and pro-evolution!

  • Anti-Flood.  It’s quite obviously in a sleeping posture.  Creationists claim that the fossil record was formed by Noah’s Flood, but if your house got hit by a tsunami at midnight, would you still be asleep?  Or at least in the same position?  There are several theories as to the cause of death, including toxic gasses (like carbon monoxide).
  • Pro-evolution.  Evolution (as I hope you well know) says that the ancestors of birds were dinosaurs.  There aren’t any feathers on this fossil, but it’s sleeping position tells us everything we need to know.  Many modern birds sleep the same way, with their head tucked under their wing.  Normally, in dinosaur-bird transitional forms, we either see behavioral evidence or physical evidence.  This is clear behavioral evidence.

It’s a prehistoric double whammy!

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