Posts Tagged Jack Chick

Reviewing Jack Chick: Sin City

First of all, I apologize for my absence.  I know it’s been a while, but I’ll try to get more work into this blog.  In the meantime, Jack Chick is a racist nutjob!  Just wanted to remind you guys.  And for those of you who were mislead by the title, no, we are not in Las Vegas!  We are in that warped world of Jack Chick’s mind where all LGTB people look like gypsies and all Muslims are psychotic extremists!  So, without further ado, Sin City!

Page 2

Ah, yes, it’s a BEAUTIFUL day here in Sin City!  The Festival of Offensive Stereotypes is in full swing, and… what’s this?  A single guy standing in the middle of the street, holding a sign?  Why, it couldn’t POSSIBLY be a Christian who either gets someone to repent/gets persecuted for his beliefs/all of the above?  That would just be ABSURD!

Page 3

It’s only the second panel, and already I get to do some legal nitpicking.  Technically, protesting ISN’T a hate crime.  Now, if you threw bricks at the parade float or beat some people up, that would be a hate crime.  But protesting?  No.

Page 4

Um, no, he didn’t act in hatred against you.  He was merely expressing his beliefs, albeit in a disruptive and somewhat offensive way.  Maybe you could get him on disturbing the peace, but even that would be unlikely.

Page 5

Oh, great, Jack is trying to be poetic now.

Zanah is actually a pretty cool demon name.  It sounds like some sort of magic word!  When I wave my magic wand and say “Zanah!”, an annoying character will appear!

Page 6

Zanah!  It’s Uncle Bob, a recurring Hitler-like guy who for some reason can’t grasp the concept of people having their own opinions, and instead uses half-baked arguments that come FROM THE BIBLE instead of a scientifically verified, peer-reviewed source.

Again with the hate crime nonsense!  HE WAS A PROTESTER!  Nobody said Occupy was a hate crime, nobody said the civil rights movement or the women’s suffrage movement was a hate crime!  IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!

 Page 7

Um… the guy is near-paralyzed in a hospital bed.  You could probably say anything you like, provided the guy doesn’t scream “Nurse!  There’s a pudgy, annoying guy who’s probably going to repent in ten panels standing in my room!”

Page 8

Ray makes a good point.  Christians constantly say that God loves everyone.  So if that’s the case, A) why does everyone who doesn’t repent have to go to Hell, and B) why does Jack apparently NOT love everyone?  I mean, he’s downright racist a lot of times.

Page 9

Zanah!  Uncle Bob’s back!  And he apparently needs God to find Malcom’s room.  [Insert obvious GPS joke here]

Page 10

Wait… Malcom is apparently a minister or something.  Couldn’t he quote from the Bible and shoot Ray’s arguments down?  I wouldn’t buy it, but at least it would make sense, considering Malcom’s occupation.

Page 11

Okay, yes, technically Bob is right.  According to a random Bible website, Jude 1:7 does in fact say that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of the cities’ abundant homosexuality.  This does not, however, excuse God from being a bigoted extremist who just won’t let people be who they want to be.

Page 12

All right, God.  Here’s a little suggestion.  Next time you want an entire city to change their ways, do it yourself!  Instead of sending one person who people probably won’t believe was sent by God, go down yourself!  Or shout something from Heaven!  There are easier ways of doing things!

  Page 13

Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest thing in the Bible has just happened.  Two angels and four people just barely escaping the destruction of an entire city.  That is actually kind of epic.  But not in this tract!

Page 14

And the children, and the babies, and everything inside this city, anything that could be of any historical significance, were burned to a crisp!  But God loves you!

Page 15

*sigh*  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Uncle Bob is being rational for once.  The Rocky Horror dropouts DID in fact commit a hate crime.  But, again, that’s no excuse to be a bigoted extremist!  Very few people act like this in real lie!

Can anyone name any point in the Bible where Jesus talks about homosexuality?  Other than the whole Jesus/God thing?

Page 16

Um, apparently God is willing to banish millions of people to eternal torment.  That’s actually worse than wiping out a city.  If anything, God has done far worse.

Page 17

“I’ve had my own opinions!  I’ve been an individual, with my own personality and beliefs!  I’m going to Hell!”

Page 18

You need a savior TODAY, for only the cost of your dignity and individuality!  Call now and get a free hateful rant!

Page 19

Bob, do you have any evidence for Jesus rising from the dead other than “the Bible says so”?  I mean, all you’re saying is “No!”.  Just denying everything your opponent says without real proof is NOT a good way to win an argument!

Page 20

Again, proof?  You’re saying that all religions except Christianity are false.  Where is your evidence?  Don’t say that those religions are immoral, don’t use offensive stereotypes, don’t quote the Bible, just give me some evidence to support your claim that actually makes sense!

 Page 21

Yes, let us reason together.  What reasoning?  You just quoted the Bible and said because it’s the word of God (which you didn’t prove), that it’s true.  WHAT REASONING?!

Page 22

“It happened!  I just became another stupid character who, for no logical reason, just repented, and will probably lose most of my social life!”

And that’s Sin City, and… okay, it’s not the worst tract I’ve ever reviewed.  The first few panels about hate crimes and LGBT stereotypes are probably the worst parts of it, but other than that, it’s just stupid and cliched.  So, is it bad?  Yes.  Is it worse than The Last Generation?  No, not by a long shot.


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“True” Religons, Weasel Looks, Ironic Morals, and Continental Responses

Today in this multi-piece article, we’ll talk about AiG’s method of finding out which religions are true, Richard Dawkins’ computer program that disproves creationist probability arguments, and why Jack Chick’s constant plea to get saved could be working against Christianity’s moral high ground.  Plus, there’ll a response to a recent comment on the site.

Creationists seem to enjoy saying that Christianity is the only true religion, and most Chick tracts are about that specific topic.  But Answers in Genesis doesn’t talk about it very often, which is why this article published on their Kids Answers website proves their assumptions about religion.  It’s called, not modestly, How Do We Know Other Religions Aren’t True?  It answers a question sent in by a kid named James, from Ohio, and his question is, well, how do Christians know that other religions aren’t true?  According to AiG, only Christianity has a book that tells us about everything (i.e., origins of everything, sin, etc), nor does any other religion have a savior that is, according to them, alive.  But what comes next is just plain idiotic.  AiG goes on to say that if a religion A) doesn’t accept the Bible, B) doesn’t claim that Jesus is God, or C) doesn’t say that salvation is the way to Jesus, than it isn’t a true religion.  Wow.  I’m actually having some mixed emotions right now.  AiG is only saying that to rig the rules, so that only their religon can be counted as “true”.  In my opinion, it’s pretty dang stupid.

Okay, how many times have you heard from a creationist that there’s “no chance” of evolution happening, or that complex organic structures couldn’t have happened by chance.  It’s pretty easy to shoot down those arguments, but Richard Dawkins once wrote a computer program that selects strings of twenty-six characters that most resemble the Shakespeare line “Methinks it is like a weasel”.  And sure enough, after only 180 generations, we get that exact line.  This info comes from the awesome book Monkey Girl.  Some might say that the program requires an intelligent agency to work, but the point is this: you can get a line of Shakespeare in only 180 generations, which is barely anything in evolutionary time.  In other words, complex structures can come about quite easily.  Other computer programs have proved just that, shooting down creationist probability arguments in an instant.

You know, creationists (particurally Kent Hovind) constantly complain that evolution caused the Holocaust, and that it’s the roots of immorality.  It’s a typical and easy to refute argument, but why not go a step further, and show that for all their claims of morality, super-right-wing “cartoonist” Jack Chick is actually just betraying the Christian community.  Take a look at the last panel from one of Jack’s tracts, The Gunslinger.

Ironic Morals

Ignoring the eerily Ku Klux Klan-like image in the picture on the right, take a gander at the main message of the panel: going to heaven is not a matter of good or bad.  Here’s my question: if Hitler or Stalin got saved, would they go to heaven?  According to Jack, yes.  What this panel says is that a lifetime of genocide, murder, and other assorted crimes against humanity can all be solved just by getting saved.  In my opinion, that isn’t very moral.

To cap this article off, let’s look at this comment that I approved very recently:

“You cannot assume that the rate of continental drift was the same throughout the earth’s history. You are forgetting the global flood and how destructive that event would have been.”

This is by a guy named Joe, and it was from Dooding=Intelligent Illustrator 3, where I say that assuming continental drift was constant, it would be impossible for the earth to be 6000 years old.  Joe is technically right-I was making an assumption.  But really, you think that the global flood caused continental drift?  There are two problems with that:

  1. It would be impossible for a global flood to pry apart plates and move the continents in that amount of time!
  2. Underwater earthquakes cause by quickly moving continents=tsunamis, which wouldn’t be very good for Noah’s Ark.

That’s all for now!  By the way, I recently dug up the mother load of Chick tracts!  It’s like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and most of them haven’t even been dissected by the Jabberwock yet, so expect some more reviews soon!

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Reviewing Jack Chick: Here Comes The Judge!

It’s been a little while since we had a Chick dissection, so let’s take a gander at this story, which is about a judge who murders somebody… I think.  Or maybe the judge was corrupt.  I don’t know, since this tract has so many different characters.  There was a tract about a judge before, but this one is brand-new.  Which doesn’t make it better.  Some things never change, even though you desperately, desperately want it to.  DESPERATELY.

 Shouldn’t the honorable be capitalized when referring to a judge?  Then again, it’s hard to be honorable when you look like that.

Well, this is a very odd family.  The mother looks like an opera singer in a pantsuit, the older sister is just… weird.  The boy is normal-looking enough, but he dresses like a Jet.  And on top of all of that-oh, wait, somebody’s been murdered!

Somebody shrunk Excalibur and stabbed a guy with it.  And now the woman is going to become the queen of England.  Wait, why did the lamp fall down?

Wait… what was too dangerous?  Gathering evidence or watching your husband get murdered?  Or maybe it’s dangerous to be stared at by a guy who looks like he got plastic surgery from a spastic chimp.

Huff… huff… huff.  Lance is looking a lot like a gorilla in the Florida heat.  And apparently the judge is bedridden, for whatever reason.  And he looks like the world’s ugliest kiwi, so there.

Apparently, General Longnose Tinychin is in on the conspiracy, too, while Professor Glowing Evil Einstein looks on.  Meanwhile, Detective Mobster and his assistant, Detective Huffy arrest Kim Keefer.  Man, these are some ugly people!  And none of them have names, and all of them are in on this highly confusing plot to… what?  Cover up the murder of a detective?  What exactly is going on here?

 “Here comes the judge.”  Ah, so that’s where the title came from!

Wait… there’s no presentation of evidence?  No defense attorney?  This is more like a show trial than court.  Then again, Jack doesn’t seem to know much about the court system, given that he’s done multiple trials in past tracts.  That, and I don’t think you can get an extra ten years for insulting a judge.

World War II Anti-Japanese Propaganda Mascot, Attorney At Law.

So, let me get all of this straight: most of the state officials are in on a conspiracy to frame the murder victim’s wife, why?  Because he was a detective that found, what?  You see, this is why a twenty-page comic story just doesn’t work.

Okay, now I’m even more confused!  The governor has connections with a one-eyed contract killer, who he wants to kill both the judge and the reporter, who apparently has incriminating evidence of something that would obviously destroy the governor’s reputation… or so I think.  I’m not sure which has more confusing characters, The Last Generation, or this tract.

 William Howard Taft?  Is that you in front of the TV screen?

Twenty minutes?  This tract is twenty pages long, and it doesn’t take that long to read it!  It makes you wonder just how long Jack takes to crank out one of these things…

 Hate to nitpick, but how can you catch pneumonia in a hospital?  It’s not like they don’t sterilize the place, or keep each of the patients seperate from each other, right?  Then again, knowing Chick tracts, this is probably Catch Death Easy General.

It seems that the bandages have shrunk the judge’s nose some.  Which is good, because you could probably poke an eye out with that thing.

Okay, here we are at the typical evangelical message that takes place in all Chick tracts.  This stuff is gorier than the other panels, except in the kiddie cartoon tracts, i.e. Here, Kitty, Kitty, but it’s still evidence that the Bible isn’t exactly kid-friendly.

Oh, no!  The judge is burning in his bed!  At least, that’s what it looks like from here.  When will Jack’s art ever make sense?  NEVER, that’s when.

Yup, famines, plagues, and war.  That’s a loving, good God, right there.

So, did he accept Jesus?  He wrote “You’re Fired”, but he didn’t check one of the boxes.  Is this rejection by default?  WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME, JACK?!

Yes, of course, because everybody knows that if you dress like a doctor, you can get into any hospital, even if you have an eyepatch and a beard that screams mercenary.

Yeesh, disturbing much?  Nobody noticed the fact that he died 23 minutes after a dude with an eyepatch injected him with poison?  I mean, this hospital has security cameras, right?

That face is unbelievable PRICELESS.

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Reviewing Jack Chick: It’s The Law

We haven’t had a Chick dissection in a while, so let’s take a gander at the tract It’s The Law, which is specifically about the Ten Commandments.  Of course, that won’t make the tract any better, but let’s hope we get a lucky break and this tract will be only B-grade, not Z-grade.  Well, a kid can dream.

Oh, come on, not another “teacher as the atheist villain” tract!  I expect a little variety, Jack!  And the dinosaur posters in the background don’t help.

Nnnh…. nnnh…  Apparently, that boy has constipation or something.  And where did he get the phone from?  Isn’t he at school?

“Hello!  I am the generic Hitler-like guy who shoots down the arguments of smart people with my weak and pointless counter-arguments.  But for this tract’s purposes I merely evangelize!”  At least, that’s what I can interpret from looking at the first panel.

Yes, you’re in trouble, all right!  You’re in a Chick tract!  “WHAT?!”

 “The most proven book in ancient history.”  Yes, proven by scholars who misrepresent opposing theories and never manage to come up with a valid argument.  Proven by those guys.

Fear of what?

Pharaoh: Hmph!  I don’t have a table to rest my head on, so I’ll just use my hand.

It looks like Pharaoh put a statue of the Pink Panther in his palace.

 Let’s get ready to rum-ble!  It looks like Moses is putting the pain on the Egyptian Slave-Hurter, but how?  Seriously, how?  I mean, he’s pressing his finger against the guy’s temple.

It looks like God buried Egypt in a flood of… what is that?  Straw?  Pixie sticks?

For once, Jack actually got something right!  The ancient Egyptians had a ton of gods!  About a thousand or two, in fact.  True story.

Oh, yeah, ten plagues, and nobody thought to write it down.  Dear Diary: Nothing much happened today, except that the entire Nile River turned to blood.  So, yeah, nothing much.  I wish something interesting would happen to me.

Those are surprisingly accurate deptictions of Egyptian gods, Jack.  All you need now is to get rid of your tracts and quit misrepresenting evolution and I’ll have an iota of respect for you.

 Nope, they had no idea what would happen if you walk on a path surrounded by walls of water.  There’s no chance that they would, I don’t know, even consider the idea that the walls would fall and that they would drown?

I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in the second panel.  Is Moses running from an exploding pencil while a baby dinosaur is attacking him or something?

What about people who had never heard of Christianity?  Like, people living in places where even missionaries won’t go?  They might have other religons, but not because they were deliberately ignoring Christianity.

Okay, she took a paperclip from her classroom.  It was her classroom, and most likely her paperclip.  Staring into Uncle Bob’s strange eyes will not convince me that he’s being logical here.

 Nope, good works won’t do it.  You could find a cure to cancer and save a city from a volcano and that wouldn’t get you into heaven.  But yeah, she’s in deep trouble.  She’s a Chick tract character, after all.

 What worlds?  I mean, people living several thousand years ago would barely know a thing about astronomy beyond what they saw in the night sky, so how would they know about other planets?  I mean, Jack makes it sound like there’s Earth, but also Discworld, Middle Earth, etc.  See what I mean?

Side view of a man’s face-yet again!  Is this like a trend or something, like Fang?

 It looks like they bound Jesus to a car dealership inflatable man or something.

And, here we are again, with the unsaved person repenting, and yadda-yadda, saved!  She’s a teacher, you know-she should know how to counter this stuff!

 Final panel, guys!  It’s amazing that we survived this, considering we had A) the usual educational villain, B) a long, annoying explanation of three seperate Bible stores, and C) the cliched repenting sequence that gets wimpier every time.

Okay, we’re done, so let’s review!  Main characters: Christian kid, Christian dad, most likely atheist teacher.  Plot: there wasn’t any.  It was just the usual Chick tract yackum that ended with somebody getting saved.  I’ve found that there are three types of Chick tract.  Type one just explains the Bible, normally the story of Jesus, sometimes with an additional supplementary tale.  Type two tells a story with actual characters.  It doesn’t really have a plot, though.  The third is what we see here.  This type combines the aforementioned two.  Well, that’s all for now!  Next time, we go for a far more recent tract!

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Reviewing Jack Chick: Here, Kitty Kitty

Okay, time warn you guys: this will most likely be the worst Chick tract yet (even worse than The Last Generation, believe it or not), but it marks my fifth dissection!  Also, in case I can’t think of anything to write below the panel, I’m going to use the abbreviation AJPO or As Jabberwock Pointed Out, and point out things he’s said about the tract.  You probably won’t see it that much, considering 3/5 of the dissections so far were tracts that the Jabberwock hadn’t done yet, but I don’t want to get into a copyright mess here.  Let’s get on with this god-awful, sickly sweet cartoon tract about satanic schoolchildren.  Agh!

Okay… so, they’re just standing on a plain of grass?  No sun, no clouds, no trees?  Nothing else to guide our perception of this drawing except a thin line of grass?  Well, I guess I should be thankful for the grass, because sometimes these Chick tracts don’t even have that.

I’ve just found this tract’s main villain: an oversized It’s a Small World doll carrying an unrealistically small black cat.  Who owns a plagiarism T-shirt, apparently.  Get ready, this is the first of many Peanuts ripoffs.

I don’t even think that kid could talk realistically.  It would just be like an Audio-Animatronic figure, and one of the old ones, at that.  I’m losing my resolve.

“Look, Halloween’s tomorrow night.”  Thank you, Jack!  Finally, we have a time reference!  I mean, we had one last time, with Heidi dying in… what was that?  1998?

What happened to the cat?  Now it’s a clown’s head on a cat’s body.

AJPO:The Jabberwock pointed out that this is another Charlie Brown ripoff.  I mean, look at those desks!  Wait… please don’t tell me that’s Linus’s shirt in the first panel?  Gyah!

Wait… so the Charlie Brown ripoff is Betsy’s brother?  Jack has managed to pull off what he has never done before-an actual plot twist.  Who’d have thought?

YOU!  Dun-dun-dun!  Seriously, though, this is like Peanuts meets Harry Potter: Witchcraft Repackaged.  And I’ve seen some clips from that, so I know how that stuff is.

She doesn’t know who Jesus is, yet she capitalizes letters when she talks about him?  Does anybody else notice this?

Again with the confusion!  Jesus is God’s son, and the teacher is saying that he created the universe.  But, according to the creationists, God made the universe!  So, is this a joint thing?  God & Son Creation?  Hmmm?

So, all bad things count as sin?  Badness is really in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it?  Well, in some things, no, but you might watch a PG-13 movie when you’re only eight and somebody might call you bad, but… this is pretty much off topic, isn’t it?

Hey, there’s a building in the background!  At least, I think that’s a building.  From here it looks more like a giant Lego block.

God threw a giant arrow at the earth!  Aaaaahhhh!  Wait, is that even the earth?  You’d think Jack could at least give us some real continents, unlike the whale-looking land mass Jesus is falling onto.

Punish… [Him]?  Jesus even capitalizes the pronouns when he describes himself!  Interesting…

Gravedigger One: Hey, Earl, d’you think we should just dump the body here?

Gravedigger Two: Dunno.  Why not?

Where are the teacher’s eyes?  I mean, even if she was like Burgess Meredith from that one episode of The Twilight Zone, you could probably still see her eyes, right?  Interesting little tidbit of information for you.

AJPO: The Jabberwock also pointed out why Jack would need a “Later” sign in the second panel.  I mean, how long was that?

Hey, it’s Fang!  The strange, Chupacabra-like dog that appears in nearly every Chick tract ever published!  And by the way, did the girl step outside, or is her house just a flat movie set or something?

Uh-oh, Betsy had better run, or else she’ll be accused of taking part in a rumble.

Okay, let’s do some continuity error nitpicking here: the brother (who, by the way, remains anonymous for some reason) said that Halloween was the next night, implying that they were going to sacrifice the cat then.  But by the looks of things, they’ve sacrificed it the same night anyway.  That doesn’t explain them wearing masks, or for that matter, the surprised-looking pumpkin in panel two.

Don’t do witchcraft… do your HOMEWORK!  She’s going all after-school special on them.  You know, you’d think she’d be more like don’t do witchcraft, go to church, or something like that.  Hm.

We’re done, and I’m dreadfully disappointed in this tract, like I always am.  I mean, just look at all of the bad things:

  • Almost zero points of reference in the background.
  • All of these dumb Peanuts ripoffs!
  • The trying-to-be-appealing cartoony art that fails miserably.
  • Completely unlikeable characters, as per usual.

Overall, on the awfulness scale, I’d place this tract above The Little Princess (which, for those of you who haven’t read it, is not about a girl who lives on a tiny planet and likes drawings of sheep), because at least some of the art is distinguishable, but not as bad as The Last Generation, which made no sense and was just… plain… bad.  Join me next time when we do pretty much the same thing to a similar tract.  Whew… maybe I should get therapy for the badness of this stuff.

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Reviewing Jack Chick: The Little Princess

Today, we’ll be dissecting my first Halloween-themed tract, The Little Princess, in which a dying little girl gets saved.  As the Chick website puts it, this story has a “happy ending”.  Whenever a description on the site says that about a tract, you automatically know that the main character’s gonna die by the end.  Of course, they’ll go to heaven, but hey, it’s a double-edged sword.  Let’s begin!

Mrs. Spencer… Heidi has gills.  Wow, that is a hideous mother.  That reminds me of an urban legend I once read about: the whole dead-hand prank thing going awry.  You’ve probably heard about it.

Why does Heidi have a giant flashbulb camera next to her bed?  And, for that matter, why doesn’t her room have a proper light switch?  It looks like somebody smacked it off or something.

She can have anything, and she wants to go TRICK-OR-TREATING?!  I mean, sure, Halloween is loved by everyone (except for Jack here, who thinks it’s satanic), but I would wish for something like a laptop, or maybe a copy of the Spore Creepy & Cute Pack.  I don’t even go trick-or-treating on Halloween anymore, but I still dress up to hand out candy.

Yeesh, suddenly Heidi isn’t so cute anymore.  It looks like the oxygen tank is trying to tell her something secret.

Wait… what happened to her brother?  Now it looks like a zombified version of Billy the Kid is accompanying her on her final trick-or-treat.  Assuming she went trick-or-treating before, because this tract seems to imply that she hasn’t.

And NOW it looks like a newspaper cartoon is her chaperone!  Ack, what’s with the sudden change in art direction, Jack!  Help me out here!

Hey, she’s giving out actual Chick tracts!  Nice advertising, Jack!

What’s with the hesitation to mention Josh?  Is she trying to write him out or something?

Man, that dad looks sooooo smug right there, in the second panel?  Apparently, Jack doesn’t care what emotions his characters have, so long as what they say and do gets through to you.  Technical bit, there.

Let’s go, honey!  Salvation Plan Alpha Bravo, go go go!

Hey, there’s a giant mouse in her bed!  Why haven’t her parent noticed?

The parents are eavesdropping!  D’oh!

Aside from the oddly rounded chin, Heidi know looks a lot more grown up.  I’ll let this one slide, because the constantly shifting art styles in this tract are becoming a lot more familiar to me.

You’re right, Mr. Smith, it isn’t an accident.  Heidi asked for your company, and you accepted.  It’s because of Heidi that you’re here.  So, no, it isn’t an accident.

Oh my gosh, Heidi decapitated her own mother!  The horror!

Who could that be?  You have until this creepy staring session is up to figure it out!

Bingo!  It’s Jesus (as per usual), who has now joined Areosmith!

Just like in Somebody Angry, we have a side view of an old man’s face, with extremely geometric features.  It’s a trend in Chick tracts.

Wait… now a guy with sunglasses is standing in the living room!  Art style change!  Art style change!

I saw the welcome-to-heaven bit in another tract.  I really hate to say it, but it’s actually kinda cute.

Glad to see we have some recognizable time frame here-this tract takes place in 1998.  Which is weird, because Josh’s hair is totally ’80s.

Well, that’s the end of that!  That was a pretty short dissection, but taught me just how frequently the art style changes from bad to god-awful.  And why doesn’t anybody thank Josh?  I mean, if it wasn’t for him letting Heidi go to the Smiths’ and get the tract, none of them would have been saved!  For that matter, why didn’t Heidi just give the tract to her parents and brother?  A lot of overreaction here!

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Reviewing Jack Chick: The Awful Truth

Recently (actually, October 31st), me and the family were going to a Chinese restaurant.  While waiting to be seated, I found-lo and behold-a piece of obviously Christian literature!  No, it wasn’t a Chick tract, but just to celebrate finding my first piece of literature, I’m going to do a Chick dissection!  Once again, inspirational credit goes to the Jabberwock, and art credit goes to Jack Chick.  So, ladies and gentlemen, The Awful Truth!

What are we gonna do today, Mr. Deranged Sherman Super-Sized Nose Guy?  And by the way, what’s with the question mark when there should be an exclamation point?

Wait… has the art style suddenly changed?  That’s the thing with Chick tracts-the art style is awful.  Either it’s a super-cartoony mess that insult Charles Schultz, or it’s so realistic that it’s wooden (like The Last Generation).  Sometimes it’s in the middle there, which just makes it worse (like Somebody Angry?).  Hey, it’s the cover of Scott Westerfield’s Peeps!

So, in the Garden of Eden, you could braid your hair with sound effects while picking corn?  Will ANYTHING in this tract make sense?  Stay tuned!

So, Adam was fired.  That makes God Donald Trump, and Adam an unlucky loser on The Apprentice.  Never thought of it that way.

CSE, in a recent blog post, said that even the tallest mountains were covered by water.  Now here’s the problem: how much water would need to rain in order for Mount Everest to be covered?  And since all water on earth disperses evenly, the water level would have to be the same everywhere.  In other words, the rainfall for the flood to happen would be hundreds and thousands of times more than we see here.  And that’s not including the implications of Satan heading a space program, like we see in panel two.

I always get confused with the whole Jesus-God thing.  The Bible says that God created, but then we see here in this verse that Jesus created.  I’ve never really gotten a solid answer on this.

That’s too easy.  I refuse to believe it-buc buc buc-bacawk!  Bacawk!  Why is it that you can always find the most inhumanely hideous people in Chick tracts?  I mean, first there was Bobby, and now this guy!  Wow!

Hey, wait a sec… one of those guards is holding a spear gun!  They didn’t have those in ancient times!

So, let me get this straight: the Roman emperors were servants of Satan?  Man, Jack really has a bone to pick with almost everything in the world!

He came up with an idea-he would impersonate King Kong!

Another tract cliche I forgot to tell you guys about-unnecessary emphasis.  I mean, why the sudden emphasis on the word replaced?  Why, I sometimes wonder.

The surrounding images are supposed to be realistic (which they aren’t, I don’t mind telling you), but Mary and her kids (in the middle) look like badly done Barbie dolls.  Man, the art style in these tracts just keep getting worse and worse!

I see that Mini-Me has found new work on the Council of Trent.  That’s nice.

Agh!  Enough with the false religion charade, Jack!  I’m dying here!  Eh, at least he isn’t connecting Nazism to evolution.  Now there’s a lie.

Peace out, my son!  And why are Jesus and Satan even talking together?  Next thing you know, they’ll be Facebook friends.

Ahhh!  …here she is?  I’m finding Jack’s grammar more and more difficult to comprehend.

According to the second panel, after being poisoned, Pope John VIII’s head turned into a planetary system.  And why does being murdered convey distrust here?  The servants could have been disgruntled for any given reason!

Hey, it’s Doris the Ugly Stepsister, from Shrek!  What’s she doing in a proselytization tract?

What are those guys doing, anyway?  Building a Revolutionary War-era cannon?

Um… conspiracy theories, anyone?

It’s the final two panels of the tract proper!  So, here comes Angelzilla!

This is your basic informative Chick tract: a bunch of stuff that supposedly disproves anything that challenges Christianity, and ending with your stereotypical salvation message.  There’s a panel after this about getting saved, but I won’t show it because there’s nothing to riff.  Thanks for your time!

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